Things to do now that you claim to have quit smoking

Well, it’s roughly two weeks past New Year's -- that means two weeks of disturbingly smoke-free bars (except for a few that will remain nameless). Two-plus weeks into the month also means you’re getting paid this week and the money’s not going toward rent or holiday credit card debt. Coincidentally, two weeks is also about how long it takes everyone to give up on their New Year’s resolutions.

With this perfect storm of sorts, you’re considering buying your first pack of '08 cigarettes, aren’t you? No? I don’t believe you. Below is a list of smoking alternatives that are equally unproductive but will help distract you from nicotine withdrawl.


Watch all three seasons of Lost on DVD
Though this is easier if you have Netflix, with the money you’re not spending on Parliaments you can afford to buy the DVD sets. The fourth season starts at the end of January, so you’ve got roughly half a month to soak in all that nonsense/gripping drama.


Start playing World of Warcraft
WoW is an online adventure game that keeps millions of Renn Fair kids glued to their PCs during inclement weather. That said, I’m told it’s highly addictive even for people with lives. While it may whittle away at your muscle mass and sense of self-worth, your lungs will remain as healthy as an Orc with a +3 shield upgrade.


Enjoy the ability to smell
I’m told your sense of smell returns after a few weeks of not smoking. While this may seem like a positive, you’ve obviously never been to my apartment.


Pick out every sample on GirlTalk’s Night Ripper
There’s nothing more tedious than dissecting pop songs -- imagine dissecting an album that dissects pop songs. I would suggest finding a fellow ex-smoker who watched MTV his entire childhood, because for every Neutral Milk Hotel snippet there’s a 69 Boyz one. No cheating!


Live forever
Now that smoking has been banned, I’m pretty sure the last threat to health in Chicago has been eliminated. Enjoy the infiniteness that is your existence and don’t worry about looking both ways before you cross the street. - Brian Battle