No Country for Old Women…Desperate Times Call for Desperate Housewives… Elderly White Women Run the Country …The Lion in Winter Lives to See Spring

The race for the Democratic nomination is about to get weird.



Anyone whose fortune is tied to the race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama has either been locked in the throws of panic-seizures or festering with muted rage since the primary season started. Now, with 7 weeks until what may be the decisive primary in Pennsylvania and the aggressive attacks getting mean, it’s only matter of time until the Democratic race completely implodes.

After stepping up her political and personal attacks of Barack Obama in the previous weeks, Clinton turned to Comedy Central and Saturday Night Live in an attempt to reestablish her frail humanity and avoid the well-earned reputation of being a savage wombat/goblin in a pantsuit. Much has been said about the Clinton’s mutual willingness to say or do anything to win an election, and if the percentage of the population that can tear themselves away from internet pornography for long enough to feign an interest in politics thinks that Hill and Bill are running out of ugly, they are tragically mistaken.

The scene in Amarillo, Texas, on Monday night was tense and anxious. A local chapter of the Red Hat Society had congregated in the Olive Garden off of I-40 and was drinking heavily while consuming free breadsticks like some kind of carbohydrate-starved tornado. The Red Hat ladies were joined by a few Rotarian stags that dripped away from the bar like a gaggle of sexed-up, geriatric lions. The group hooted and hollered at the television in the corner every time CNN showed an image of Clinton. When a group of young and well-dressed kids came in with Obama pins on their jackets, there was an eerie and permeable silence. Hard looks were exchanged; at least one of the retirees mouthed the word “terrorist.” The room braced for the worst Democrat-on-Democrat violence since the ‘68 convention. Cooler heads prevailed, however, and the kids left knowing their time at the table was near.

The next day, Hillary Clinton was able to scratch and claw her way to slim victories in the primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas. The run-up to the voting was characterized by ugliness and mudslinging that whipped her depraved base into a mad frenzy. After the returns came in, her supporters stayed up well into the night licking their television screens and dryhumping photographs of Terry McAuliffe until the image rubbed away, and all that was left was a white smear on high-gloss paper. The next day the newspapers read like a Clinton Campaign press release, calling her the “Comeback Kid” and crediting her with regaining some semblance of respectability and momentum.

The Obama camp only managed to pull off a convincing win in Vermont – A state that recently passed legislation calling for local authorities to arrest the President and Vice President, should they happen to wander into town – and kept the race close in the delegate-rich states of Ohio and Texas. Senator Obama’s normally loquacious stump speech was instead peppered with math. He may have lost 3 out of 4 states, but there was only a net loss of 4-9 delegates. Hardly inspiring stuff, but Hope wont get you far in a fistfight with a winged death-spirit that has the resilience of a phoenix.

It was somewhat evident that Obama realized he was going to need to get off the ropes if he wanted to keep Clinton at bay. As I write this, nearly 48 hours after the primaries, the best Team Obama has come up with is some nit-picky squabble about Clinton’s unreleased income taxes. Maybe the worm has turned, and we are watching the beginning of the end of the Hope movement in the United States. Who knows? But it was, after all, a nit-picky tax violation that finally landed Al Capone behind bars. And I have it on good authority that his poll numbers were higher than Hillary Clinton’s have ever been. -Kkitchen